Posted in depression

Skipping stones

I often feel that life is passing me by. Oddly, I’m not really bothered by that. I’m actually more concerned that others will be bothered by that. You know, my husband, my sister, my therapist. My friends. I spend my days just watching time pass, never engaging, never quite living life. And, it didn’t surprise me at all today to discover this blog entry from last summer. I still feel exactly the same way, day after day after day, despite medications, therapy, more medications and more therapy and more passage of time. I could as easily be standing at the edge of a lake skipping stones. And, I might rather be, honestly. At least there’d be some purpose to all this.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I haven’t been in here in months and I couldn’t really tell you where I’ve been. I’ve been in the “state of depression” is about the best I can describe it. I’ve been working with a therapist for nearly a year — on the pretense of adjusting my medications. We’ve been doing just that. For a year. Honestly.

It seems that they work to keep me from killing myself but don’t give me any real reason to live. No joy. No urgency to accomplish something. Nothing.

I wake this morning to find myself in that same limbo. I have lots of things to do — a list worthy of a whole community, and it includes things I know bring me joy and a feeling of fulfillment. But, can I do them? No. Obviously not.

Depression is a strange thing. And, I often wonder if anyone understands it. What’s the accomplishment in keeping someone alive (no suicidal thoughts here) if you can’t help provide a life that’s worth living or gives a person any wish to live?

If you know the answer here, please clue me in. I’m facing yet another day of doing little, feeling guilty, wanting to medicate or drink or eat or something, and counting the hours until night time meds can put me to sleep.

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Author:

I'm a writer making my way through life and offering observations as I go. Old enough to know better but that doesn't stop me.

2 thoughts on “Skipping stones

  1. What ‘DON’T’ I know about it?? or “What ‘anti-dep’ pill haven’t I taken?? Those would be easier questions. While each person is different in their makeup, oddly enough every individual I have spoken with and sat down with and gotten to know have the same depths, holes, highs, lows, trigger points, symptoms and signs as does the other. We each have a little different starting point–whether it was born and bred into us or came along due to trauma or IF we are lucky–a bit of both (note sarcasm there)…surprisingly our stories are simular

    Did you feel you were BORN an odd duck? /quack quack/ lol
    or did it manifest at a certain point in your life?

    holler at me anytime–I don’t know everything but I KNOW.
    -rocky
    wolfy61@gmail.com

    1. Thanks for the comment and support, Rocky. I definitely have good days and bad ones. And, you’re right about everyone having something going on. I think some of us just handle it differently. I battle with my demons daily — some days are just worse than others — and just keep waking up for another day, another battle.

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