I keep thinking that any day now I will take the time to write the story of my breakdown or lay out how the bankruptcy went, or give some hints on keeping your sanity through a foreclosure. I do have something to say, but the further I get from it I find the less interested I am in even thinking about it, much less writing about it.
As it was all happening I kept thinking I should be writing about it. But, in the middle of a breakdown, there’s nary a speck of energy left to write or care about anything except trying to stay alive or trying to give off the impression you think staying alive is worthwhile. Even worse for me, and probably for millions of other in the same boat was trying to go on with my life (work, meetings, social gatherings) as if everything was fine.
I’m not sure how but somehow I did manage it. Until the day before I left my job, when I confided in two people, I still believe no one knew–about any of it….the breakdown, the bankruptcy, the foreclosure. I worked hard to keep it that way and if it hadn’t been for the impending “sale on the courthouse steps” I’d have kept it completely hush hush.
There’s nothing quite so humiliating as losing everything. Everything except my husband and my cats. We didn’t, of course, lose all our possessions (and wouldn’t that have been a proverbial blessing in disguise? Hmm?), but we lost our dignity, our home, my sanity (seriously), nearly my life, and all our money and in return got a chance to sneak out of town with our tails between our legs and watch from afar as our house was auctioned off and the court decided in our favor against our creditors who will never trust us again.
We’re almost two years past that point now and a year away from the house. We’ve finalized everything and have another six years to go I think before we become unstigmatized citizens.
Time goes by quickly these days, but there are daily reminders. We can’t rent a car without a credit card and we have none. We can’t own a home (and shucks, I miss changing my paint colors nine times to get it right!). And, aside from all those oh-so-petty things, we can’t tell many people about it. Some are just astounded that we weren’t more responsible. Some are no-big-deal accepting (friends, thank you!) because it seems so many people went through similar stuff and many still are. I just don’t know how many people had the added trauma/drama of wanting to end their lives at the same time (and, no the bankruptcy/foreclosure) was not the reason or even part of the reason for the suicidal thoughts. Chemically, I think I inherited that tendency, and emotionally, I think I was taught it and nurtured it on my own: I’m just not good enough and never have been, so why stick around?
Back to topic, though, it is all like so much of yesterday’s news….burnt hash…..throw it out and move on. It will always be with me, us, but life goes on. With the right medications.