Posted in health, humor, inspiration, life, wellness

Procrastination and the rapist for $100, Alex

Ok, I admit it. There is no downsizing going on here. No emotional attachment. No dread. Well, ok, some dread. Ok, a lot.  And, plenty, but plenty of procrastination.

What makes us procrastinate? There are likely lots of reasons; I’m just trying to figure out which apply in this case. (It’s a good way to procrastinate, after all, this “thinking” about stuff.) I’m just freaking lazy, let’s face it. I have plenty of energy for things I want to do. Well, “plenty” may be overstating it, but I can at least think about things I want to do without wanting to go back to bed.

However, when it comes to those things I have no interest in doing, procrastination rears its ugly head and I’m back in bed or on the internet surfing. (I still learn something every day from my pal the internet. Wish it could teach me to get up and get on with it.)

I always have to wonder in these situations if depression is still a huge chunk of this. We’re currently changing meds (that’s my psychiatric and me, not just me talking in the “we”) and talking about it, but is there no limit to the depth of this disease? I’ve been depressed, or at least aware of the depression for decades and am beginning to wonder when it began, how long it will last and how deep it can go. (There’s enough material for another loooooong “think.”)

Two years ago I was ready to take my life. I’m back from that edge but still wonder almost daily, “why?” Honestly, daily. I still see no real purpose in all this life crap and realize how much that affects my daily decisions. Is this a common thing with depression? The desire to do nothing and just keep doing it? I do “nothing” better than anyone I know. I also plan for doing “nothing” better than anyone alive, I’m sure.

I have several projects in the works – beading, quilting, reading, exercise and others – in every stage of (in)completion possible and still I can find more to start……not ever finishing and thus adding to my overwhelming collection of failures. What a vicious cycle. This is surely a symptom of depression.

Drugs are supposed to help. But, is it possible that depression meds are designed to keep you alive but fall short of making the resulting life worth living? Or, is it me? I expect I’ll be wondering that till the end of my days. And, that, while it offers another good “thinking” option,  can’t really come soon enough.

So. Procrastination. The packing and sorting and downsizing remains undone and I continue to create new projects, also undone. I’m weary. I’m tired. I’m sleepy. And, I’m still left wondering………..why?

Good question, I expect, for the therapist visit today. Which reminds me of the Saturday Night Live skits about Jeopardy with “Sean Connery” asking to have the first question for “therapist” category which he charmingly called “the rapist for $100, Alex’.”

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I'm a writer making my way through life and offering observations as I go. Old enough to know better but that doesn't stop me.

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